Color me in Love

The "Color me in Love" Project. - Feb. 2014

I wanted to share a practice that I have been doing for the past several months. I have named the project "Color me in Love". It all started last November while I was teaching my first 12 week course called Journey Within. I was guiding 11 amazing women through an intensive self-discovery process. And I was participating in all of the activities along with them. My theme or focus for the 12 weeks was self worth.

I have struggled with body-image and low self-worth since I hit puberty. I can remember when my father (who will NOT be winning father of the year anytime soon) said to me "you are going to grow up to have a fat ass and a flat chest". What I heard in his tone of voice was disgust and criticism. This statement has stuck with me and from that moment, I have believed that I am inherently flaw, my body is not attractive and my self-worth is directly tied to my physical appearance.

Over the past 25 or so years I have continued to tie my self-worth to my physical body. I have held the belief that I am unworthy of relationships, of success, of anything good happening to me because I have an imperfect body. Social media and the emphasis on the ways women SHOULD look has not helped this, it has actually supported my inner critic who has been yelling at me - you're not thin enough, you're not pretty enough, you're not attractive enough, who do you think you are being in a relationship with him- he's way to good-looking for you… and the list of these internal self-criticisms goes on and on.

So during the course of my Journey Within, I chose to focus on embracing my physical body and self-worth and begin healing from the self-inflicted wounds of my inner critic. During the time of the course, a client of mine began talking to me about the water crystal project that Dr. Masura Emoto did. Briefly, Dr. Emoto came up with the idea of freezing water drops and observing the crystals that were formed. He started writing words on the containers holding the water like Love, Peace, Joy, Hate, etc. and observed the frozen water crystals from each container. What he found was the crystals formed quite differently depending on the word on the container. "we always observed beautiful crystals after giving good words, playing good music, and showing, playing or offering pure prayer to water. On the other hand, we observed disfigured crystals in the opposite situation." This quote is from the following website, where you can also check out pictures of different water crystals if your scroll towards the bottom of the page http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html. Although there are nay-sayers out there who say Dr. Emoto's study is not accurate and was not done in the correct manner to forge accurate results, I choose to believe that there is truth to this and I believe Faith plays a huge part in making change in ourselves

As my client and I continued talking, I began to discuss how self-deprecating thoughts can negatively impact one's mood. Suddenly this wave of excitement washed over me as I thought - wow our bodies are made up of about 70% water - what if by saying- or better yet, writing positive words on my water container - in this case my body - could change the structure of that water and in turn my body?!?! Later that evening, I continued to think about this and a story that a friend of mine shared with me a few years ago came to mind. He shared with me that he had struggled for years with hating himself, not feeling loved or even worthy of love. He explained how someone told him to stand in front of the mirror and tell himself he loved himself. He said he had a hard time believing it so he felt his self hatred grow. He then began to think of people in his life who he felt truly loved him. His grandfather came to his mind and these thoughts flooded him with a warm of love. He decided to go back to the mirror and look at himself from the eyes of his grandfather, to say 'I love you" the way his grandfather said it to him. This was something he could relate to and after several months of doing this exercise daily, he was able to look in the mirror and say 'I love you" from his own eyes.

I made a commitment to myself that night that I would love my body and love myself through these practices. I was so excited and was trying to figure out what I could use to write positive and loving words on myself with - that wasn't a permanent marker. I went out and bought a sparkly purple liquid eyeliner. In the morning, after I took a shower, I would stand, naked, in front of my mirror and tell myself 'I love you". And then I would take my sparkly purple liquid eyeliner and write the words LOVE, JOY, ACCEPTANCE, etc. on my stomach (which is the area of my body I struggle with the most). I found it difficult at first to believe the 'I love you'd'. So I began with where I was in that moment. I said "I love you the best that I can right now and I look forward to when I can fully love and accept you". This felt more real for me because it was where I was at in that moment.

The liquid eyeliner stays on all day and I imagine and hold the faith that it is working similarly to Dr. Emoto's findings. I also write the word LOVE on my left wrist and this is a reminder to me throughout the day of my practice of self-love and self-worth. And each morning before I go into the shower, I am reminded of the practice as the words I wrote the day before remain. And while I am in the shower, I pay close attention to my stomach as I lovingly wash the words off in preparation for the new words to be written for the day.

Over the past several months, I have shifted from saying 'I look forward to the day when I can say I love you with truth and acceptance', to 'I love you and I accept you". I have felt a shift within myself, an opening to see just how beautiful I am inside and out - no matter what my body looks like and to strengthen my belief that my self-worth is not directly related to my physical appearance. I have come to partner with my inner critic and have more empathy and compassion for myself and I feel pretty damn good. And the act of writing my story and sharing it was one of the activities - Shining the Light - sharing so that others may be inspired to make a shift in their lives. It is my hope that by sharing my story, I am able to shine the light on the path to self-love and self-worth for others that may also struggle.

Love,

Kristina Marie